Depression
Depression is a lonely business. It sits behind one’s steady eyes, shaking your faith in yourself, your place in this world, your desire to stay in it. Sometimes it all just seems too much. And when you’ve felt like this more times than you can count, and you’re on the downhill slope of life anyway, and you’re so tired, just so tired of keeping on keeping on, you just might reach for something, anything really. Whatever calls your name while you look for a speck of light in the dark inky world of despair you can’t see as temporary anymore. This time I reach for expensive, brand name Prozac. It keeps me here. This time.
Inspirations from Wake and Sea 
“Whatever calls your name while you look for a speck of light in the dark inky world of despair you can’t see as temporary anymore.”
This broke my heart twice: once for him and Once for you.
You are loved, dear one. And when you find yourself swimming in that “dark inky world of despair”, know you can reach for me too.
I’m here.
Always.
With love,
Dani
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Thank you, sweet Dani. Read my response to Luanne below – I’m really okay! But I have “been there” – in the throes of a bout of clinical brain chemistry depression vs. situational depresson. I’ve had both, and the former can be terrifying, when you can no longer “positive talk” your way out of the bottom of the well. When it passes, like a cloud on a windy day, and you are yourself again, you know you are not crazy and it IS a medical/brain chemistry issue. It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt this way, and Michael has always been there to lift me up out of my funk. But I have your number handy if I ever need it! Thanks, dear one!
xoxoxo 🙂
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Much love to you, Ginny, and to our troubled world.
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Thanks, Luanne. My mother just called me after reading my post, frantic that I was in a dark place now, and thought I needed to reassure readers that I am not so desparate as what I wrote makes it seem! I am not there – today. But I am inspired by Robin Williams’ tragic death to admit my own understanding of such desperation, in an effort to shatter the stigma of depression and suicide and the taking of antidepressants. Thankfully, I’ve never crossed the line to reaching for such “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” But I sure can understand it. I’ve tried various meds, and always come back to brand name Prozac, as even the generic fluoxetine RX’s I’ve tried don’t work for my particular brain chemistry. I’m grateful to be married to a loving, supportive husband who affords me the opportunity to keep spending $350+/month for a solution that works for me. And you’re right, we do live in a troubled world these days in so many ways. Sending love to all along with you. xo
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I’m glad your mother called you to check on you :). I’m so glad you found something that works for you, Ginny. I know that many people don’t have the ability or the loving support or they can’t find the right meds. I wish we had better care for mental health issues in this world!
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Very brave post–heartbreaking and lovely. xox
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Thank you so very much, Barbara, for your kind words and for sharing this post. Thankfully, I don’t have many days like this anymore, but I surely can understand getting to this point. Robin Williams’ taking this final step seems to have touched the world deeply (that in itself is a feat these days), and I felt led to make public the few words that just flowed from my pen the morning after the tragic news of his suicide. I know I take a risk in stepping out and admitting my own vulnerabilities and mental struggles, and that others may now judge me differently from the smiling, upbeat face that has usually defined me. Oh well! In this second half of life, I’m learning to take more risks, opening myself up to the truths I spent the first half of my life covering up, and taking the giant leap to sharing these discoveries and admissions with whoever wants to read my stuff. Obviously, I’m not the only one in America with these kinds of feelings, as the aftermath of Robin’s death is proving. If I can help just one person realize they are not alone, I will consider it worth the risk. Thank you again, Barbara, for your support and sharing. xoxo
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