These words from my friend, Fran, were just what I needed to start my day. May you also be blessed and join us in spreading light to this aching world.
Source: Be Light
Prompt: 5 minutes “Stand Alone”
Stand alone. On your own two feet. See what you can do without any others to stop you, to help you, to harm you, to interfere, to suggest other ways. What does your heart say? What is your heart saying to you?
Stand alone. You already do stand alone. But alone with a living God burning brightly inside your very heart chakra, comforting you, guiding you, suggesting ideas that will catapult you to the Highest Version of Yourself that you can imagine. We just don’t often take the time to listen to that part of ourselves. Yes, I believe the Holy Spirit is a part of each of us, so intertwined with every fiber of our being that we can never not be holy. If we listen.
Stand alone. I used to stand alone and mope inside about being alone. Why doesn’t anyone really understand me? I need them to understand me! I cried tears and sobbed guttural wails as I wrestled with the challenges of growing up, maturing, moving from an insecure teenager to an insecure adult, an insecure wife, mother, neighbor, church member, volunteer, over-achiever. Until it all came crashing down on me in the form of what would morph from one day of a swollen throat, fever, body aches worse than the flu, fatigue that slammed me flat to the surface of my water bed and wouldn’t let me go, into the woman I am now. Twenty-five years I’ve lived inside my body alone, alone in houses full of people who cannot understand this bizarre chronic illness. But now I stand alone – secure in Who I Am.
Depression is a lonely business. It sits behind one’s steady eyes, shaking your faith in yourself, your place in this world, your desire to stay in it. Sometimes it all just seems too much. And when you’ve felt like this more times than you can count, and you’re on the downhill slope of life anyway, and you’re so tired, just so tired of keeping on keeping on, you just might reach for something, anything really. Whatever calls your name while you look for a speck of light in the dark inky world of despair you can’t see as temporary anymore. This time I reach for expensive, brand name Prozac. It keeps me here. This time.
In six weeks I’ll be a grandmother and I don’t really know what to think about that. Everyone says, “Congratulations! It’s so much fun being a grandmother! Bet you can’t wait to get your hands on that baby!”
I do love babies. I consider “the nurturing mother” my strongest archetype. Yet for some reason the expectation of this first biological grandchild has me feeling a bit unsettled, and I’m not sure why.
I love to hold newborns. I do so easily, naturally, swaying back and forth automatically. Whenever I stand up to hold a baby, cradling it in my arms, immediately my weight wants to shift side to side like a metronome. My eyes take in the little one, peering into those innocent eyes, or admiring the sleepily closed, rosy eyelids. I stop momentarily to lift the little bundle to my nose to breathe in that heavenly, sweet new baby smell they lose after a while, when they become bigger children.
And they do grow — so quickly. It seems like yesterday when I held my own babies in my arms, swaying, and sometimes I was just so tired that I longed for a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Sometimes, in the moment, it’s hard. You’re tired and she cries and you don’t know what she needs, what she wants, and she can’t tell you yet, and so you give her everything you’ve got, I mean everything you’ve got, and sometimes she settles down and you sigh with relief and resume the loving, natural, relaxed stance, but sometimes … sometimes it’s just not enough.
Like when she’s in middle school and you hate those catty girls she seems to care so much about, who say mean things to your precious one and you want to tell her it doesn’t matter, that in ten years you won’t care, if you even remember at all that they laughed at the new haircut you were so delighted with as you smiled at your reflection in the mirror that very morning before school.
Like when she’s in high school and thinks she’s grown up and doesn’t need to be in by 11pm, no one else has to be in so early, I was only ten minutes late, you can’t ground me for that, oh yes I can, give me your car keys. Now. I hate you, well, I still love you, but we’ll talk about this later, go on to your room. Now.
God, it’s hard to grow up. It’s hard, sometimes, to be a kid, a teen, a young adult, a parent, a mother, especially a “good” mother, whatever that is, and it changes with each child, with the times, and there are no rule books, there just aren’t. Maybe I’m scared it’ll be hard to be a grandmother, too.
It always turns out all right. Perfectly, really, since there is no one “right” way, only choices, then more choices that add up to one’s life — infinite possibilities, and they’re all okay. Really, they’re all okay.
Perhaps it’s best I don’t know what to expect in six weeks. Sure I’ve heard, I’ve read, and mostly it sounds terrific. But will she love me as much as she loves her other grandparents? Will I have the energy to be present in my granddaughter’s life the way I want to be? Health challenges limited and defined so much of how I ended up mothering my own, but we lived under the same roof so at least I got to be with them, reading books in bed, inhaling the Johnson’s baby shampoo smell on their clean toddler heads. Will I have the physical energy to drive to see this new baby, to keep her overnight when her parents go out-of-town or need a break?
It blows my mind to see my little girl all grown up now, round with child, resting her arms on her belly, wondering if she might have “an outie” before her daughter sees the light of day. It amazes me to see her organized home, where decoratively painted and ribboned wooden 3, 6, 9 numerals hang on the rod in the nursery closet, already separating by sizes the matching outfits and dresses others have graciously given them or they’ve already bought from Baby Gap. It touches some part of my heart I cannot name, do not know, when I am shown the inside of the drawers of the dresser/changing table given to them by friends and now filled with freshly washed and folded onesies, teeny tiny socks, soft pima cotton swaddling blankets, hooded bath towels. Was I ever this organized? If so, it was definitely when I was awaiting the birth of my own firstborn, this now-almost-mother who is no longer “mine.” Ahh…maybe this is what threatens my peace in some way — a feeling that this milestone will somehow end a chapter of my own life, when really it should just open up a new one.
Now, in my own home, I sway with anticipation, cradling my doggie (my dogs have always consoled me) and I wait, tentatively, for the birth to be behind us, for all to be healthy and well and on the other side of this momentous occasion. How strange to know this new little life will fill all our hearts with more love than we can imagine, stir feelings in me I’ve never known, complete some part of the circle of life I don’t even feel I’m missing. All I know is that my own grown up little girl better be all right. God, may she have a smooth labor and delivery, a healthy baby, and the strength and good health to enjoy the abundance of rewards that come with the blessing of motherhood. Keep her safe, God. Just keep my baby safe.
I dedicate the sharing of this post to my daughter, Caroline Craft Merrill, who will soon be a pastor’s wife. I am so very proud of her and of her husband, Cameron! Love you both!
July 8, 2013
Prompt: 15 min “Shatter”
Shatter. Shatter the glass ceiling, we women were offered, encouraged to do when we were mere girls living in a man’s world. The 1960’s, ’70’s, a time when, every now and then, a brave soul would rise up to shatter the glass ceiling previously owned, dominated by men, our patriarchal society. We watched the first female astronaut, CEO, swimmer crossing some large body of water.
Blacks, now called African-Americans, knew about shattering glass ceilings, too. We punched those white male dominated worlds together. Raised to fight for civil rights, to support the underdog, my mama identified glass ceilings, pointed out inequality, applauded the shattering. The shattering. Not with violence, glass shards flying everywhere. No, with firmness, sticking to your guns in the face of resistance, obeying the laws, but standing up to the systems she deemed unfair.
I thought I might be one to shatter some ceilings. Little Rock Central High honors poising me to shoot out into the world with gusto, a degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill preparing me for greatness. But I became a stay-at-home mom with two little girls to raise. Determined to stretch beyond the confines of homemaking, this undervalued, traditional role, I started my own PR and marketing consulting business on the side, working nights and weekends so I wouldn’t shirk my maternal duties. Superwoman, I became, my People Pleasing tendencies pushing, pushing, pushing me to do more, be more, give more.
Shatter. And then my world shattered. Slammed me down into the bed, the deep, dark cavern of ill-health I never expected, didn’t see coming, thought I was immune to, actually never even considered.
Now, twenty-three years later, my immune system weakened and so much of my life spent in medical appointments, not shattering any big, bad glass ceilings, my perspective changed, I can only strive to shatter what I perceive as small victories — performing normal daily chores with both shame and a sense of accomplishment: the dishwasher unloaded, the bills paid, the bank statement off by the same amount as last month and the month before, dare I add back in the $537 the bank says I have that my checkbook disagrees with? Combing back through the statements, the checkbook is just too much, just too much. It’ll be all right. I don’t think the world will shatter if I don’t find my error.
June 10, 2013
Prompt: 10 minutes: “this time”
This time I am braver. I haven’t even sent out an email yet, put it on Facebook, keeping the cancer private, more or less, for the past week. This time it feels so much more manageable — almost routine. I mean I know it’s surgery and I don’t like pain or recovery exercises, but this time I don’t have a fear of death — I truly believe it’s just a little left over from five years ago, a remnant. But we’re going to get it good this time, and hopefully I won’t have to deal with this again for a long time, if ever.
This time I’m taking it in stride. Getting my ducks in a row, practically speaking, but the emotional component either hasn’t hit me yet, or it’s really just not a big deal the second time around. I guess if the docs were more worried, maybe I would be, but …
It’s the night before the PET scan that will reveal whether the 9.4 mm “lesion” on my brain is anything to worry about or not. Obviously I’m glad to have some answer as to why I’ve had such increasingly frequent and debilitating headaches, especially during the past 6 weeks, complete with nausea and pretty much housebound more days than not. I’m hoping for the benign tumor possibility. Or even the post-stroke inflammation/healing chance. Or maybe even a brain abscess? But my docs seem to be worried about metastasis from the breast cancer I had in 2008, almost 4 years ago. Or a new primary tumor. I think I’d prefer the new primary? It’s kinda confusing and surreal actually. I know I do not relish thinking about the PET scan showing multiple metastases in other parts of my body. So I’m not going there. Not yet. No, though it’s 3:30 am, I DO plan to go to sleep soon, asking my angels to guard over me and my loved ones through the next 24 hours. We should know more by then.
Interestingly, during the 48 hours after the MRI results were explained to me by my endocrinologist, then my oncologist, I shed a few tears (and a few expletives!), but after an hour, I became very calm actually. Peaceful even. Somehow, I just know it’s all going to be okay. However it turns out.
Just look at all the amazing gifts of the past two days:
* my husband has blossomed, no, catapulted! into an amazing, engaged helpmate, determined to overcome his own personal fears to stick right with his soulmate through whatever is ahead, regardless of the personal vulnerability and pain. I’ve been blessed with Michael’s adoration and devotion for over 12 years now. I thank God for sending him to me when I was so alone. This is just another opportunity to deepen our connection, share and cultivate even more love, add to our memories of a rich, supportive, warm, devoted marriage.
* Hallie and I have had several poignant, honest, loving and direct phone conversations, and she will be home for a bit this weekend. We’ll actually be celebrating her 23rd birthday (a week early) with all the family! And I DO mean CELEBRATING! Celebrating LIFE and LOVE and FAMILY! Having Hallie “home” from her new home in Charlotte is a rare treat. And her little dog, Hershey, will join the party! Jen, Jay, Jonathan, Elijah, and new baby Olivia will come, and hopefully Betsy, Josko and Kristina, too. All the family – yea!! Hallie says she may be able to work from the Raleigh office a week or two if I need her to come home to help out – so sweet! On Wednesday, Hallie sent Caroline and me one of her daily email Bible verses from an app on her iPhone. How happy I am to know my girls have each other for support, and that they rely on God and He/She is cultivating their maturing faith.
* Caroline’s text message to Hallie and me the same morning after the MRI news was a photo taken from her car on her way to swim at 6:45 am Wednesday – a huge, beautiful RAINBOW!!! The 3 of us group text messaged about how awesome is our God!!! Monday night, before the MRI, when we knew nothing was amiss except I’d been feeling lousy for awhile, Caroline and I had gotten together for dinner, planned months before, at a new restaurant for me, Relish. (Timing is everything – the next day is when I got the news of the lesion.) We enjoyed the carefree kind of mother/daughter time that we empty nesters live for! We celebrated her new job, back with The Link Group, laughed, caught up, laughed some more (both my daughters are quite funny and crack me up quite often!!) We stuffed ourselves and then completed the excursion with our traditional stop for frozen yogurt (love some cake batter fro yo), as much to extend our time together… until we closed down the place at 10 pm! She’s taking next Tuesday to spend the day with me during her week off between jobs – originally planned for watching movies and hanging with me since I’ve not felt like doing much. Perhaps she’ll be driving me to medical appointments, but, whatever, we’ll be together! And she tells me she can be available for whatever I need. Two of her friends have even offered to bring us a meal! (Michael says we’ll take that, even if we get good news and there are no treatments to deal with! Thanks, Carrie and Chelsea.) Caroline and Cameron’s church, All Saints UMC, is praying with us – thanks Molly, Greg, Mendy, Leon, Laura, and all the rest! It’s so reassuring to know my daughter has such a strong and generous support group. That’s one of the more interesting realizations a parent experiences as their children go out into the world on their own – that they are no longer the center of their child’s universe. Praise God for leading them to healthy, supportive friends and churches! I can see into the future and KNOW they’ll be taken care of, regardless of what unfolds in the months or years to come – this is THEIR experience, too – not just mine.
* My mother and father are definitely worried, but they are being so supportive – keeping positive for me, keeping their anxiety to themselves. They want to be here with me. There will be plenty of time. As a parent myself, I feel their pain. God, be with them at this time. I need to be here for my children, my husband, myself. I thank God that my parents are healthy enough to drive to me when I do make those calls. Their love has sustained me for more than 52 years now. Halleluia!
Then, of course there are my closest friends and family members:Molly, Carolyn, HarDarshan, “the bridge girls”: Connie, Robin, Carolee and Susan. Connie is “my longest thing”, as I call her – the person closest to me and still in my day to day life, even though we’re miles apart, for the longest time – since we were freshmen ADPi pledges in college. We’ve talked several times a week for the past 25 years, after reconnecting 34 years ago now. We listen to one another with complete unconditional love, asking the hard questions, the important questions, holding the mirror for each to see our lives more clearly. Thank you, Connie, for ALWAYS being there. How wonderful to alternate and share the roles of supporter and supported like a fluid, easy, graceful dance.
Wednesday I talked to the scheduler and requested a late morning Friday PET scan. (I had another appointment Thursday, and Michael is off on Fridays, and he definitely wanted to be with me. And I DON’T do mornings well.) They called me Thursday to say there was only one available appointment Friday – it just happened to be at 11:45 am! PERFECT! AND Dr. Graham (oncologist) wants me to bring the CD-ROMs with me and he will work us in tomorrow afternoon to go over the results! So no agonizing over the “maybe this, maybe that” over the weekend!
* I’ve been working for the past 6 months on my high school reunion to be in Little Rock, Arkansas the end of June. I’ve been on Facebook a lot and have reconnected with many old friends. I’ve enjoyed frequent communication with the planning committee members, who have become quite good friends even though I didn’t know them well in school. I recently got added to Kenneth Mont’s “Inner Soul Room” prayer warrior Facebook Group. Over Easter I found myself drawn to reading all the scripture and prayers written by such strong Christians of faith. I have found my strength for the 21+ years of living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Fibromyalgia through personal yoga and mediation times, reading spiritually uplifting books, meditating, praying, but without the health to attend morning worship services, have missed the community of faith. Who knew that Facebook would elevate my spirit so – would provide constant posts from many of the 2000 members so that anytime I need a shot of Jesus, I just click and read! Or listen. Tonight someone posted Avalon’s song about praying, with a montage of children, adults, brothers and sisters in Christ praying. I “shared” that on my wall. So I can find it and play THAT whenever I want! Thank you, God, for Kenneth Monts, music, and this amazing group of prayer warriors.
* Facebook in general has, in 48 hours, linked my friends and family to spreading the word of my/our situaton to their friends for support. The outpouring of love and calls and texts and emails has been amazing already! And this “lesion” could be NOTHING! ESPECIALLY with all these prayers uplifting me! I’ll bet it’s being zapped before I go in the tunnel – or whatever a PET scan does! Thanks for technology, emails and Facebook.
So, I must get to bed. But I just want to say, on this evening before I get results, that I am grateful to you all and feel totally loved and supported. And I KNOW that whatever I will face, I will be blessed and led to make choices that are prefect for ME, and that the results will also be perfect for ALL. I am staying in the present and acknowledging all the gifts life is presenting me in EACH AND EVERY JOYOUS MOMENT! I hope to nap during the PET scan. And if I can’t sleep, I’ll certainly be breathing in love and breathing out fear, singing and chanting mantras of worship inside my perfect brain! Thanks be to God!